THE HUMAN JUNGLE

It's a big world we live in, and it's full of all kinds of things that we have to deal with –things animal, things vegetable, and things mineral. Those that are merely vegetable or mineral are usually pretty easy to figure out, but the animal things can drive you down a rubber road –especially if you're dealing with human animal things.

What man has decided to join in holy matrimony has become a constant source of wonder . . . WEDLOCK POPPYCOCK

There's always one smart alec in every checkout line . . . KEEP THE CHANGE

Corporate dress codes have been in a state of flux for years, but there is a solution to the problem . . . DRESS MAKES A MESS

Every once in a while somebody comes up with a really good idea on how to beat the odds. This isn't one of them . . . LIGHTING UP THE LOTTERY

Hyphenated names may become the poster children for the Law Of Unintended Consequences . . . WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Fad diets come and fad diets go, but every once in a while a diet comes along that is really weird . . . THE NUMBERS DIET

A BETTER LIFE THROUGH TECHNOLOGY

Someone once said that the amount of human knowledge doubles every seven years. These days it seems more like every seven months. New gizmos appear faster than we can use up the old ones, but that doesn't mean that everything new is necessarily better.

Genetically enhanced fish are common. Styrofoam cups are everywhere. Put the two together and you have . . . FRANKENFISH

The kid over 5 that doesn't have a cell phone today feels left out. Well, this little gadget will keep both the kids and their parents happy . . .WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS?

While fast food entrepeneurs are busy finding faster and better ways for America to get fat, scientists are working feverishly in laboratories all over the nation to take it back off . . .BEAM ME THIN, SCOTTY!

Management 'systems' come and go so fast it's hard to keep up with the 'latest and greatest' fad. But, never fear; here's a system to keep track of all those systems . . . MANAGEMENT SYSTEM DU JOUR

If we can clone bacteria and chickens and sheep, inanimate objects can't be far behind . . .COPY THAT CAR

There always seems to be a disconnect between your brain and your fingers when dealing with a computer. It would be nice if one of the things could understand what you meant to type . . .A MIND OF ITS OWN

Predicting the weather can be done by any bozo with a clown suit and a TV station; controlling the weather isn't quite so easy . . .RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!

SPAM^® may be a big problem on the internet, but it offers definite possibilities for ending world hunger . . .YOU'VE GOT SPAM^®!

DIFFERENT STROKES

It has been said that any destination can be reached by a thousand different roads –some more heavily traveled than others. Here are some people who have definitely found the road less traveled.

Election polls come and election polls go, and their accuracy is generally right up there with palm reading, phrenology, and the physic sciences. Of course, you not only have to ask the right questions, you have to ask the right source. . .
THE MILK AND EGGS VOTE

Prognosticators can be personal as well as political, but the results are seldom any better. Nonetheless, there are always those looking for ways to bring fortune telling into the modern age . . . SHE READS STARS, HE READS CARS

There's always a better way to do almost anything –if you can just think of it . . .
SEE THE SEA ORANGES

THINGS MECHANICAL

Man is described as a tool-using and machine-building animal. This is usually said with some pride, connoting a certain cleverness, sophistication, and mastery of the natural environment. But, more often than not, the results of this human ingenuity can be more inimical to the orderly life on our native dust ball than anything Ma Nature ever dreamed up . . .

Some devices are simpler than others. Some are so simple that only a child can make them work . . .IT SAYS "CHILD PROOF" RIGHT ON THE CAP

YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK

Bureaucracies move in mysterious ways – when they move at all. Sometimes it seems like the main qualification for a life of "government service" is a daily half gainer off a three story building onto a concrete sidewalk. But, not to worry, what they do, they do for you . . .

When political correctness becomes more important than 2000 year old traditions, then things start to get a little silly . . . RamaHannuKwanzaWhat?Mas
GREEN, GREEN, GO AWAY

In their ongoing efforts to protect us from every danger, someone, somewhere, is always legislating against some inanimate object they feel the hoi polloi are too stupid to safely possess . . .TAKING A BAT OUT OF CRIME
NO MORE PANTYHOSE

As everyone knows, the greatest danger homo sapiens face is: themselves . . .
THE LAST LAUGH

Our fearless leaders are seldom more zealous than when they try to protect the flora and fauna from our foibles and foolishness . . .SAVE THE BIRDS
THE BUG BILL

The government excels at producing both absurdities and statistics. They are also ever vigilant for ways of keeping the public safe from something. . .
MAD ABOUT COWS
BOMBS AWAY!
SOMETHING'S FISHY
SIGNS OF THE TIMES

It goes without saying that there is goodness in everything the government does. Often times there is a lot more goodness than we think –someone just has to point it out to us . . .LOVE THOSE SILLY MILLIMETERS

Airport safety is uppermost in some government minds. Which just proves what an oxymoron really is . . .STRIPPED FOR SEARCHING

The FBI isn't the only government entity that knows how to stop crime; even the legislature can do it . . .ROBBER BEWARE!

Even those seemingly insoluble problems like traffic gridlock can usually be solved by the judicious application of a simple law . . .TRAFFIC UNSNARLED

ENTREPENEURS

The possible paths to riches in a capitalist society are many and varied, and it seems like new money making schemes pop up daily – some more outré than others . . .

Once upon a time, speech was free. Then someone found a way to cash in on it . . .
BABBELUS NON GRATIS

A roll of duct tape and a medical degree will make you rich - if you can charge it to Medicare . . . STICKING TO YOUR DIET

America's love affair with cars is well known. America's love affair with useless things to stick on those cars is also well known – at least to those who sell such things . . .WINGS CAUSE BIG FLAP

Fashion trends are always changing in seemingly mysterious and usually goofy ways. A recipe for entrepreneurial success if there ever was one . . .
CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN WOMAN

The only thing that changes faster than fashion is hair styles. What puts the icing on the cake is that the customer supplies the raw material – a free and (usually) renewable resource . . .POTAGE AU CHEVEUX

Gnat, mosquitoes and other flying and stinging insects can ruin a backyard barbecue if you don't take positive action . . .THIS BAT'S FOR YOU

Find a way to ease the great workday commute and the world will beat a path to your door . . .ONE, TWO, RIDE THE CANOE

Everyone's always on the lookout for a way to bamboozle Uncle Sam . . .
THERE'S AIR IN THEM THAR COWS

Kids started refusing to wear hand-me-down shoes about the same time sneakers started costing more than a new car. . .FAUX SHOES

According to Giuseppe Mazzini, "Music is the harmonious voice of creation." According to Dilbert Weems, "One person's harmony is often another's cacophony." Giuseppe didn't do much more than talk about it, but Dilbert has come up with a way that we can all live in harmony . . .NO NOTES IS GOOD NOTES

Restaurants are another entrepeneurial gold mine. If you can combine fast food with cutesy you will have a sure hit . . .RANCHING IN MANHATTAN

FAIRY TALES

Stories that warm the cockles of your heart and showcase the human spirit at its very best. Guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye, a swell of pride to your heart, or just plain rekindle your faith in homo sapiens. The chance of any of these stories being true is nonexistent.

At the Olympic games it's all about sportsmanship . . . THE SPIRIT OF COMPETITION

Our elected representatives would never leave for the holidays with important work unfinished . . . FAITH (and BENEFITS) RESTORED

For once, the taxpayers won't take it in the shorts . . .SACRIFICE AT THE TOP

POLITICS

Someone once said that the only good thing about politicians is that they're not immortal. Obviously, this person hadn't been keeping track of our body politic in the nation's swamp capital.

Rarely do presidential portraits capture the essence of the man. This one seems to have done it . . . REMEMBER MY MEMBER

When something goes wrong, politicians will immediately launch an investigation, designate scapegoat(s), get as much TV mug time as possible, and provide plausible reasons why everyone else in the universe except them was responsible for the original problem . . .THE SKY IS FALLING

If you ever do find a way to actually blame politicians for something, they'll simply stack the deck so they can have hindsight before the event . . .TGI MONDAY

Once upon a time you either had to elect one of these or one of those; now some of you will be able to elect one of each . . .A REAL TWO PARTY SYSTEM

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

What we have here is a veritable cornucopia of little known but important knowledge. All those unanswerable questions that have puzzled philosopher's, sages, wise men, and parents through the ages will be explored here in depth. Either that, or I will try to figure out the answer to the one question that children of any age never seem to tire of: "Why?"

The common perception that coat hangers proliferate faster than we can get rid of them has given rise to the popular myth that they actually breed. We would be sadly remiss if we didn't put this old saw to rest . . .
HANGERS, HANGERS EVERYWHERE

THE SPORTING LIFE

Once upon a time in ancient Rome, lions and Christians and gladiators were in vogue. This was to entertain the populace and feed the lions. Today wrestling and races and all kinds of professional sports are in vogue. This is to entertain the glitterati and corporate bigwigs and feed the public coffers. The Romans probably had the better idea.

It's common knowledge that college athletes would rather party than study. (Actually, it's common knowledge that all college students would rather mambo than matriculate, but that's another story.) In any case, our intrepid academicians are ever alert for solutions to the brains/brawn conundrum . . .
ANIMAL FARM, 2002

Myths abound concerning the origins of football. Here's the real truth . . .
THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES

Professional wrestling has come a long way. Now they are going back to the ways of the lions alligators and gladiators . . .GATORS CLEAN UP WRESTLING

SUNDRY STUFF

This is a very special category – it contains all the stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else.

There is supposedly a certain road paved with good intentions. Perhaps it should be called The Road Of Unintended Consequences . . .BULL? MARKET?

Celebrities of all kinds are constantly patting themselves on the back with awards of one kind or another. But, for every celebrity there are thousands of people toiling away unseen and unappreciated at humdrum jobs . . .
AWARDS FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE

Some stories seem torn right out of today's – or maybe yesterday's – headlines . . .
SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE
DOMESTIC DIVA GOES DENIM
CHOCOHOLICS SYNONYMOUS
EGGS GOING TO WAIST

A "green thumb" is the most often asked for item on the domestic gardener's Christmas list. It's also the most elusive skill any of us every try to develop. So, for the first time in print, here is the secret of successful agriculture hitherto known only to ancient mystics, graduates of FFA, and kindergarten teachers . . .
HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

Boycotts and protests may have started with humans, but now everyone wants to get in on the act . . .FISH, NO SHIPS

Many events attract more newscasters than participants; some just attract newscasters. It's probably high time that we got rid of the distractions and just concentrated on what's important . . .THE NEWS OLYMPICS

Everybody uses insulated cups and containers at one time or another, but do few know where they come from . . .PLEASE, PORRIDGE, HOT!

How many times have you heard someone say, A Grand Jury will indict a ham sandwich . . .A HAM SHAME