MAD ABOUT COWS
The Food and Drug Administration today announced its official definition of a Mad Cow as a "bovine that is really mad – red-eyed, hoof-scraping, tail-twitching, nostril-flaring mad."
"We want to make sure that no animal is classified as a Mad Cow unless it is really P*#@@ed off, not just angry, indignant or simply hot under the collar," Hugh Dudgeon, spokesman for the FDA said in a televised interview. "Even furious, fuming, foaming at the mouth, or fit to be tied animals should not be classified as mad cows – they're just in a snit and will eventually get over it. In order to qualify as a government-defined Mad Cow, the animal must seethe, simmer, smoke, sizzle, and smolder all at once. Only then will we take action to remove them from the food supply."
Once identified, these animals can only be exported to countries where the people are already mad - like Ireland or Iraq. The other options are to destroy the animal or send it to Sweden for a sex change operation and then sell it to Mexico for a tour in the bullfighting ring.
The Society of Provoked, Incensed, Sore, Seething, Enraged, Distraught, Outraged, Furious, and Fuming People has filed an injunction to quash the definition, calling it an "outrageous affront to the free expression of righteous indignation, as guaranteed to us in the Constitution of the United States."