Only In America . . . TM

Copyright © 2002 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.


Are you bothered by your neighbor's loud music?

Do you get a headache when one of those two-ton, rolling speakers cruises down your street blaring rap, heavy metal, or rock and roll?

Do you get upset when you finally get away for a litte vacation in the forest or on the edge of quiet stream or lake only to find the quiet shattered by dozens of boom boxes cranked to full volume?

Well, get yourself a can of NO-NOTES Selective Silence Spray and you won't be bothered any more.

NO-NOTES is a special anti-music mist which will effectively mute all music of a given type within a 50 yard radius. Just spray it in the air and surround yourself with silence.

Dilbert Weems, the inventor of NO-NOTES, says that "each type of spray is designed to seek out only one variety of music. When it encounters a sound wave of the proper type, it sets up a sympathetic vibration 180 degrees out of phase with the original wave--which effectively cancels that particular sound."

"But the real beauty of this product," Weems said, "is the fact that it cancels only the target sound and lets all lets all other sounds through. This allows you to eliminate country & western music, for example, and still listen to classical music, rock and roll, or even rap."

The spray currently comes in eight different kinds: NO-NOTES RAP, NO-NOTES METAL, NO-NOTES ROCK, NO-NOTES WESTERN, NO-NOTES CLASSIC, NO-NOTES ELEVATOR, NO-NOTES BIG BAND, and NO-NOTES TOP 40. Each will eliminate only the noted kind of music; all other types can still be heard through the spray.

NO-NOTES sprays can also be used in combinations to get rid of more than one kind of music. You can even use all eight at once if you wish. (And if you have the money; NO-NOTES currently sells for $10 a can.)

"I concentrated on muting music first because one of the main causes of noise in modern America is the ubiquitous boom box," Weems said. "However, there are many other sources of noise pollution, and I am trying to design a spray to take care of each one of them.

By the end of the next quarter the company hopes to announce the availability of NO-BARK, NO-CONSTRUCTION, NO-TV, NO-TRAFFIC, and NO-RADIO.

Weems is also working on NO-VOICE, which he hopes to have in testing by next year. "The human voice is much harder to filter out than music or other simple sounds," he said, "but it is also more annoying than almost any other sound in nature. That's why this will be such an important product."

Once he can successfully filter out the general human voice, Weems plans to refine it further into NO-VOICE MALE and NO-VOICE FEMALE. "Think what a breakthrough that would be," he said. "Husbands and wives could spray each other into silence without the use of violence-- which might go a long way toward reducing the divorce rate."

He says that he is probably still several years away from developing what he considers to be perhaps the ultimate noise abatement spray: NO-BABY. Mothers around the world can hardly wait.

Copyright © 2002 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.