STICKING TO YOUR DIET
Getting too fat? Go see Dr. Ed Hesive. He'll slap six inches of duct tape over your mouth and give you a prescription for a whole roll of the stuff - enough to last for up to three months.
"I don't know why people have so much trouble controlling their weight," Dr. Hesive said. "It's really very simple: you're too fat because you eat too much; stop eating and you'll lose weight; put tape over your mouth and you're forced to stop eating. Q.E.D." Of course, most people don't have the will power to stop eating on their own - hence the duct tape.
"I've been prescribing duct tape for years at $5 a roll," Dr. Hesive told reporters, "plus $30 for the office call. Not enough to get rich, but I make a living," he said.
Now he's making much more than a living. Since Medicare has proclaimed obesity to be a disease, the Feds are helping foot the bill. The good doctor now gets $98 per office visit and $18 for each six inch piece of duct tape. That works out to about $3600 a roll for the duct tape.
He also prescribes a weight loss pill - a 50 pound disk of concrete that you carry around until you get skinny - but Medicare has yet to approve payment for that. It's only a matter of time . . .