Only In America . . . TM

Copyright © 2005 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.


The epicenter of political correctness, Humbug County, California, was the first in the nation to enact a total ban on all creches, crosses and Christmas caroling in public places - an effort that earned it the unflattering nickname of "Heathen Heaven" in some quarters. Now, Agnes Outré, the newly elected County Commissioner, has issued an executive order requiring TOTAL separation of church and state in all public places. "The majority of our population is irreligious," Ms. Outré said, "so it is our responsibility as elected representatives of the people to ensure that the government does not impose outdated or unwanted value systems on them."

The four point Plan For Faithless Free Thinkers (PFFFT) sponsored by Ms. Outré includes the following prohibitions:

· Employees of any entity (public, private, or non-profit) conducting business in Humbug County will not be granted paid time off for any "holy" holidays, including but not limited to: Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween and St. Patrick's Day.

· The holidays formerly known as Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and St. Patrick's Day will not be referred to by those names in any public place in Humbug County. Instead:

Christmas will be called RamaHannuKwanzMas;

St. Patrick's Day will be called Green Beer and Blarney Day;

Easter will be called Fairy Tale Day (A rabbit that lays eggs?! Please!!);

Thanksgiving will be called ETYPOP (Eat 'Till You Pop) Day;

Halloween (the evening before All Saint's Day) will be called Trick or Treat Day (because that's what we do).

· Any currency that has the word "God" on it (as in "In God We Trust") will not be recognized as legal tender in Humbug County. Citizens will be expected to use the Gold Standard or a barter system to conduct commerce.

· Hotels, motels, inns, and bed and breakfasts located in Humbug County will not be allowed to place bibles in their nightstands. Additionally, no travel agency doing business in Humbug County will make reservations at any hotel, motel, inn, or bed and breakfast that does put bibles in their nightstands.

The latest polls indicate that the vast majority of citizens of Humbug County support PFFFT, which has also been hailed by the Democratic Association of Free Thinkers (DAFT) as "the first piece of truly progressive legislation of the new century."

Those who disagree with PFFFT are being invited to move out of the county. The Humbug County Council has agreed to buy all businesses and homes left behind at 17˘ on the dollar (assessed valuation).

Copyright © 2005 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.