Only In America . . . TM

Copyright © 2004 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.

ONLY IN AMERICA is a collection of short, entertaining stories - sometimes bizarre, often thought provoking - but never quite so improbable as they first appear. These little stories are simply reflections on life in a fractured America. Enjoy!

Only in America . . . do we expect equal rewards for unequal effort.
Only in America . . . is society defined by celebrities and the lunatic fringe.
Only in America . . . are manufactured minorities a majority of the population.
Only in America . . . are you taken seriously whether you are playing with a full deck or not.

. . . only in America.
Links to the story collection:
Humorous and bizarre accounts
of everyday life in America.

Ha Ha . . . stories

Serious and humorous treatments of the same subject presented side by side.
Fact or Fancy stories
A serious look at some of today's issues.
Hmmmm . . . stories
EMAIL me with your comments . . .

THE LATEST OFFERING . . .


Fact or Fancy TM


TO SCREEN OR NOT TO SCREEN


SERIOUSLY SPEAKING . . .


PROFILE THIS!

Let's quit groping grannies in the airports and start searching Arabs.

If the purpose of airport screening is to thwart hijackers, bombers and terrorists, then we need to stop and search every Arab/Islamic/Middle-Eastern (A/I/M) person trying to get on a plane anywhere in America.

Why?

It was A/I/M's that hijacked our planes and used them to destroy NY's twin towers and kill thousands of innocent Americans.

It was A/I/M's who attacked the USS Cole and are still bombing nightclubs and buses and killing innocent men, women and children.

It is A/I/M's who are kidnapping and beheading innocent non-combatants in Iraq.

From which anyone with the IQ of a cornflake would conclude that A/I/M's are the most likely suspects when looking for hijackers, bombers and terrorists. So that's where we should focus our attention.

"Ohmigod!" I hear the ACLU screaming. "That's ethnic profiling!"

You bet it is. And, as long as the overwhelming majority of potential terrorists belong to a single ethnic group, then that group should be singled out for extra scrutiny. If you dance in the streets and celebrate when innocents are maimed and killed by terrorist bombs, then you shouldn't be surprised when you are treated with suspicion.

Are all A/I/M's our enemies? They say not. But they blindly close ranks behind their own regardless of what atrocities they commit, and house and feed them and protect each other from the prying eyes of those looking for terrorists. We caught, tried and executed Timothy McVeigh, "one of our own"; what are A/I/M's doing to stop their radicals?

Of course, many in our own country are trying to get us to do as little as possible, usually in the name of "diversity" or "political correctness" or some other "feel good" buzzword: the FBI agent who wrote a memo warning that terrorists were training at flight schools before 9/11 was ignored by his supervisors because of concerns over racial profiling; our government has issued guidelines barring federal agents from using race or ethnicity in their routine investigations; and it was the policy before 9/11 - and some say remains the policy today - to fine airlines if they have more than two A/I/M's in secondary questioning because it's discriminatory.

With idiocy like this rampant in the land - aided by the constant exhortations from the liberal left, dysfunctional celebrities and self-important media - it's little wonder that we are "losing the war on terror."

When a mountain lion starts killing your cattle, you don't stop it by going hunting for rabbits.


ALL SERIOUSNESS ASIDE . . .


STRIPPED FOR SEARCHING

Security personnel at the nation's airports will no longer have to worry about passengers carrying weapons in their pockets, explosives in their shoes or knives in their belt buckles: beginning next week all airline passengers will be required to travel naked.

"This represents the greatest advance in airline security since the invention of the metal detector," according to FAA spokesman Harry Polander. "It will make the X-ray of carry-on baggage, personal searches and long waits at the airport a thing of the past," he said at a press conference in Washington, D.C.

Security firms are ecstatic about the new law, because it means they will need fewer metal detectors, personal baggage fluoroscopes and inspection personnel. "We'll be able to just eyeball - if you'll pardon the pun - the passengers as they pass through the gate," said the security director of a large midwestern airport. "And the fewer machines we have, the fewer people we will need to man them. That translates to lower cost both for us and the flying public." He did add that the sight of throngs of naked travelers might cause some of the security people to be a little less attentive than normal, but opined that "we can address that problem through increased training."

But not everyone is happy with the new law: garment manufacturers, shoe companies and nudist colony directors all registered strong complaints with the government.

Gisele Minimaxi, President of The American Garment Makers Union, testified that this legislation would severely cripple the garment industry. "Most people buy new clothes to go on vacation," she said. "With this new law, the need for vacation clothes will be greatly reduced. Also, business travelers used to wear suits and business attire; now they will be able to cut way back on their wardrobes." She told Congress that "without a federal bailout, the garment industry in this country is headed for extinction under the new law."

Susan Suede, past President of the Leather Tanner's and Shoemaker's Guild, agreed. "As the garment industry goes, so goes the shoe trade," she said. "Vacationers and business travelers account for almost half of our gross income. Without them, we would have to rely almost entirely on the athletic shoe segment of the industry. And that," she warned, "could drive the price of athletic shoes through the roof."

Gordon Goodbody, President of Naked and Unclad Denizens of the Earth (NUDE), is even more pessimistic. "Nude beaches have always been tremendous tourist attractions," he said. "But who needs to travel to an exotic beach to see naked people when the airports will be full of them?" He also predicted the demise of most nudist colonies and the disappearance of the "natural life style" NUDE members have become used to.

Despite these dire warnings, proponents of the bill still feel that it is overall a good thing. "It's pretty hard to hide a weapon or bomb on a naked body," Harry Polander said. "That alone should make all of us feel a lot safer."


Links to the story collection:

Humorous and bizarre accounts
of everyday life in America.

Ha Ha . . . stories

Serious and humorous treatments of the same subject presented side by side.
Fact or Fancy stories
A serious look at some of today's issues.
Hmmmm . . . stories

EMAIL me with your comments . . .


RECENT TALES

Ha Ha stories . . . Fact or Fancy stories . . . Hmmmm stories . . .


If you don't look that gift horse in the mouth, the IRS might . . .

TALK SHOW FLIM FLAM

The First Amendment isn't dead by any means. It does, however, sustain some severe damage from time to time . . .

BABBELUS NON GRATIS

What man has decided to join in holy matrimony has become a constant source of wonder . . .

WEDLOCK POPPYCOCK


Sometimes you pay more, sometimes you get less. Usually, it's both . . .

THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS PAYS

Duct tape and Medicare make a powerful combination. Lucrative, too . . .

STICKING TO YOUR DIET

No matter what you do, there are always some people you can never please . . .

FLIP-FLOP WARNINGS

Fact or Fancy TM

. . . because there are two sides to every story; one serious,

Truth or tact? You have to choose. Most times they are not compatible.
Eddie Cantor
one not so serious.

The wildest absurdity is never so preposterous as it first appears . . .
Foo

Absurdities abound in modern America.
You can scrutinize them seriously or satirize them unmercifully.
Or do both at once . . .


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Hmmm Stuff . . .

In today's politically correct America the number of sensitive subjects is almost infinite.

Some of them are addressed here.


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HUMAN NATURE

Homo Sapiens are supposedly complex beings, but some times they are sooooo predictable . . .

  • Does it seem like you keep paying more and getting less at the grocery store? Guess what . . .
    THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS PAYS

  • "Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose." Sure! Unless you're dealing with a politician or a boss or a spouse or - well, you get the idea . . .
    FLIP-FLOP WARNINGS


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GOVERNING BODIES

Their primary job seems to be the protection of the few from the machinations of the many. In doing so, they make the laws that shape our lives from cradle to grave . . .

  • Our elected representatives would never let extended unemployment benefits run out during the holidays . . .
    FAITH (and BENEFITS) RESTORED

  • It sometimes seems like there are more Handicapped Only parking spaces in America than there are handicapped people . . .
    PARK NOT


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THE EMPEROR'S CLOTHES

Modern America seems awash in two things: Experts who are always smugly certain that their opinions are superior to those of the hoi polloi; and Political Correctness, designed to keep us commoners from questioning or criticizing these opinions.

Fortunately, some of the great unwashed still know the difference between bombast and bologna . . .

  • Have you looked at all the published pictures of the proposed replacements for the World Trade Center Towers and wondered, "What planet did these come from?"
    THE WTC PHOENIX


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THE JUSTICE SYSTEM

This is where decisions are made that we can no longer do the things we used to do – or must now start doing things we consider distasteful.

"So long as society is founded on injustice, the function of the laws will be to defend injustice. And the more unjust they are the more respectable they will seem."

—Anatole France

" . . . equal harassment under the law."

—Paul Krassner

  • Pornography – unlike beauty – is not in the mind of the beholder. Unless, of course, the beholder happens to be a judge . . .
    NUDITY CONFRONTED


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THE HUMAN JUNGLE

It takes all kinds of folks to make up a country like ours. With that, we get all kinds of ideas: some well thought out, some not; some intelligent, some not; some left, some right; some wacky, some not. However, freedom of speech is guaranteed to all.

  • Peace protestors have been around since the Dark Ages. Some of them still seem to live there . . .
    WAR GAMES


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THE FIX IS IN

Lots of things need fixing in America – and a lot of things don't. What usually happens is that we try to fix those things that aren't even broken, and do our best to break those that are working just fine, thank you. Occasionally, we get it right.

  • A lot of people have to travel to Canada or Mexico in order to find affordable prescription drugs. Maybe they shouldn't have to . . .
    CHEAPER PURPLE PILLS


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EXPERTS

Movies stars, sports stars, media stars, mega models, instant celebreties of every ilk – we're used to them vying for our dollars in commercials, but that isn't enough for some. Having conquered one field – or at least a tiny piece of it – they are eager to demonstrate their expertise in all others . . .

"Fame does not make you smarter." —Leonard Pitts, Jr.
  • Hollywood has been spawning Peace Protestors for decades, but they have never received their just due. Maybe it's time . . .
    THE IRAQI OSCARS


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SPORTS FEVER

Sports in 21st century America is a serious business at all levels - from peewees playing for parental approval to professionals playing for personal aggrandizement.

These are their stories . . .

  • Sports are supposed to be all about fair play - especially at the amateur level. If that were true, think how the Olympic skating controversy could have played out . . .
    THE SPIRIT OF COMPETITION

  • It's not bad enough that athletes are paid outrageous sums to play the game they "love" so, but the endorsement deals they get are enough to gag a maggot . . .
    IF THE SHOE FITS . . .


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Ha Ha Stuff . . .

There are billions of bizarre stories on planet Earth -- a large subset of which seem to occur smack dab between our shining seas.

Only a few of those billions are presented here.


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UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

What we have here is a veritable cornucopia of little known but important knowledge. All those unanswerable questions that have puzzled philosopher's, sages, wise men, and parents through the ages will be explored here in depth. Either that, or I will try to figure out the answer to the one question that children of any age never seem to tire of: "Why?"

  • The common perception that coat hangers proliferate faster than we can get rid of them has given rise to the popular myth that they actually breed. We would be sadly remiss if we didn't put this old saw to rest . . .
    HANGERS, HANGERS EVERYWHERE


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THE HUMAN JUNGLE

It's a big world we live in, and it's full of all kinds of things that we have to deal with -- things animal, things vegetable, and things mineral. Those that are merely vegetable or mineral are usually pretty easy to figure out, but the animal things can drive you down a rubber road -- especially if you're dealing with those human animal things.

  • What man has decided to join in holy matrimony has become a constant source of wonder . . .
    WEDLOCK POPPYCOCK

  • There's always one smart alec in every checkout line . . .
    KEEP THE CHANGE

  • Corporate dress codes have been in a state of flux for years. Contrary to popular belief, there is a solution to the problem . . .
    DRESS MAKES A MESS

  • Every once in a while somebody comes up with a really good idea on how to beat the odds. This isn't one of them . . .
    LIGHTING UP THE LOTTERY

  • Hyphenated names may become the poster children for the Law Of Unintended Consequences . . .
    WHAT'S IN A NAME?

  • Fad diets come and fad diets go, but every once in a while a diet comes along that is really . . .
    THE NUMBERS DIET


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A BETTER LIFE THROUGH TECHNOLOGY

Someone once said that the amount of human knowledge doubles every seven years. These days it seems more like every seven months. New gizmos appear faster than we can use up the old ones, but that doesn't mean that everything new is necessarily better.

  • Genetically enhanced fish are common. Styrofoam cups are everywhere. So, put the two together and you have . . .
    FRANKENFISH

  • The kid over 5 that doesn't have a cell phone today feels left out. Well, this little gadget will keep both the kids and their parents happy . . .
    WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS?

  • While fast food entrepeneurs are busy finding faster and better ways for America to get fat, scientists are working feverishly in laboratories all over the nation to take it back off . . .
    BEAM ME THIN, SCOTTY!

  • Management 'systems' come and go so fast it's hard to keep up with the 'latest and greatest' fad. But, never fear; here's a system to keep track of all those systems . . .
    MANAGEMENT SYSTEM DU JOUR

  • If we can clone bacteria and chickens and sheep, inanimate objects can't be far behind . . .
    COPY THAT CAR

  • There always seems to be a disconnect between your brain and your fingers when dealing with a computer. It would be nice if one of the things could understand what you meant to type . . .
    A MIND OF ITS OWN

  • Predicting the weather can be done by any bozo with a clown suit and a TV station; controlling the weather isn't quite so easy . . .
    RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!

  • SPAM® may be a big problem on the internet, but it offers possibilities for ending world hunger . . .
    YOU'VE GOT SPAM®!


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DIFFERENT STROKES

It has been said that any destination can be reached by a thousand different roads -- some more heavily traveled than others. Here are some people who have definitely found the road less traveled.

  • Election polls come and election polls go, and their accuracy is generally right up there with palm reading, phrenology, and the physic sciences. Of course, you not only have to ask the right questions, you have to ask the right source. . .
    THE MILK AND EGGS VOTE

  • Prognosticators can be personal as well as political, but the results are seldom any better. Nonetheless, there are always those looking for ways to bring fortune telling into the modern age . . .
    SHE READS STARS, HE READS CARS

  • There's always a better way to do almost anything -- if you can just think of it . . .
    SEE THE SEA ORANGES


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THINGS MECHANICAL

Man is described as a tool-using and machine-building animal. This is usually said with some pride, connoting a certain cleverness, sophistication, and mastery of the natural environment. But, more often than not, the results of this human ingenuity can be more inimical to the orderly life on our native dust ball than anything Ma Nature ever dreamed up.


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YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK

Bureaucracies move in mysterious ways -- when they move at all. Sometimes it seems like the main qualification for a life of "government service" is a daily half gainer off a three story building onto a concrete sidewalk. But, not to worry, what they do, they do for you . . .

  • In their ongoing efforts to protect us from every danger, someone, somewhere, is always legislating against some inanimate object they feel the hoi polloi are too stupid to safely possess . . .
    TAKING A BAT OUT OF CRIME
    NO MORE PANTYHOSE

  • As everyone knows, the greatest danger homo sapiens face is: themselves . . .
    THE LAST LAUGH

  • Our fearless leaders are seldom more zealous than when they try to protect the flora and fauna from our foibles and foolishness . . .
    SAVE THE BIRDS
    THE BUG BILL

  • The government excels at producing both absurdities and statistics. They are also ever vigilant for ways of keeping the public safe from something. . .
    MAD ABOUT COWS
    BOMBS AWAY!
    SOMETHING'S FISHY
    SIGNS OF THE TIMES

  • It goes without saying that there is goodness in everything the government does. Often times there is a lot more goodness than we think -- someone just has to point it out to us . . .
    LOVE THOSE SILLY MILLIMETERS

  • Airport safety is uppermost in some government minds. Which just proves what an oxymoron really is . . .
    STRIPPED FOR SEARCHING

  • The FBI isn't the only government entity that knows how to stop crime; even the legislature can do it . . .
    ROBBERS BEWARE!

  • Even seemingly insoluble problems like traffic gridlock can usually be solved by the judicious application of a simple law . . .
    TRAFFIC UNSNARLED


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ENTREPRENEURS

The possible paths to riches in a capitalist society are many and varied, and it seems like new money making schemes pop up daily -- some more outré than others.

  • Once upon a time, speech was free. Then someone found a way to cash in on it . . .
    BABBELUS NON GRATIS

  • A roll of duct tape and a medical degree will make you rich - if you can charge it to Medicare . . .
    STICKING TO YOUR DIET

  • America's love affair with cars is well known. America's love affair with useless things to stick on those cars is also well known -- at least to those who sell such things . . .
    WINGS CAUSE BIG FLAP

  • Fashion trends are always changing, seemingly mysterious, and usually goofy. A recipe for entrepreneurial success if there ever was one . . .
    CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN WOMAN

  • The only thing that changes faster than fashion is hair styles. What puts the icing on the cake is that the customer supplies the raw material -- a free and (usually) renewable resource . . .
    POTAGE AU CHEVEUX

  • Gnats and mosquitoes and other flying and stinging insects can ruin a backyard barbecue if you don't take positive action . . .
    THIS BAT'S FOR YOU

  • Find a way to ease the great workday commute and the world will beat a path to your door . . .
    ONE, TWO, RIDE THE CANOE

  • Everyone's always on the lookout for a way to bamboozle Uncle Sam . . .
    THERE'S AIR IN THEM THAR COWS

  • Kids started refusing to wear hand-me-down shoes about the same time that sneakers started costing more than a new car. . . . .
    FAUX SHOES

  • According to Giuseppe Mazzini, Music is the harmonious voice of creation. According to Dilbert Weems, One person's harmony is often another's cacophony. Giuseppe didn't do much more than talk about it, but Dilbert has come up with a way that we can all live in harmony . . . .
    NO NOTES IS GOOD NOTES

  • Restaurants are another entrepeneurial gold mine. If you can combine fast food with cutesy you will have a sure hit . . .
    RANCHING IN MANHATTAN


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FAIRY TALES

Stories that warm the cockles of your heart and showcase the human spirit at its very best. Guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye, a swell of pride to your heart, or just plain rekindle your faith in homo sapiens. The chance of any of these stories being true is nonexistent.


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POLITICS

Someone once said that the only good thing about politicians is that they're not immortal. Obviously, this person hadn't been keeping track of our body politic in the nation's swamp capital.

  • Rarely do presidential portraits capture the essence of the man. This one seems to have done it . . .
    REMEMBER MY MEMBER

  • When something goes wrong, politicians will immediately launch an investigation, designate scapegoat(s), get as much TV mug time as possible, and provide plausible reasons why everyone else in the universe except them was responsible for the original problem . . .
    THE SKY IS FALLING

  • If you ever do find a way to actually blame politicians for something, they'll simply stack the deck so they can have hindsight before the event . . .
    TGI MONDAY

  • Once upon a time you either had to elect one of these or one of those; now some of you will be able to elect one of each . . .
    A REAL TWO PARTY SYSTEM


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THE SPORTING LIFE

Once upon a time in ancient Rome, lions and Christians and gladiators were in vogue. This was to entertain the populace and feed the lions. Today wrestling and races and all kinds of professional sports are in vogue. This is to entertain the glitterati and corporate bigwigs and feed the public coffers. The Romans probably had the better idea.

  • It's common knowledge that college athletes would rather party than study. (Actually, it's common knowledge that all college students would rather mambo than matriculate, but that's another story.) In any case, our intrepid academicians are ever alert for solutions to the brains/brawn conundrum . . .
    ANIMAL FARM, 2002

  • Myths abound concerning the origins of football. Here's the real truth . . .
    THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES

  • Professional wrestling has come a long way. Now they are going back to the ways of the lions alligators and gladiators . . .
    GATORS CLEAN UP WRESTLING


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SUNDRY STUFF

This is a very special category -- it contains all the stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else.

  • There is supposedly a certain road paved with good intentions. Perhaps it should be called The Road Of Unintended Consequences . . .
    BULL? MARKET?

  • Celebrities of all kinds are constantly patting themselves on the back with awards of one kind or another. But, for every celebrity there are thousands of people toiling away unseen and unappreciated at humdrum jobs . . .
    AWARDS FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE

  • Some stories seem torn right out of today's headlines . . .
    SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE
    DOMESTIC DIVA GOES DENIM
    CHOCOHOLICS SYNONYMOUS
    EGGS GOING TO WAIST

  • A "green thumb" is the most often asked for item on the domestic gardener's Christmas list. It's also the most elusive skill any of us every try to develop. So, for the first time in print, here is the secret of successful agriculture hitherto known only to ancient mystics, graduates of FFA, and kindergarten teachers . . .
    HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

  • Boycotts and protests may have started with humans, but now everyone wants to get in on the act . . .
    FISH, NO SHIPS

  • Many events attract more newscasters than participants; some just attract newscasters. It's probably high time that we got rid of the distractions and just concentrated on what's important . . .
    THE NEWS OLYMPICS

  • Everybody uses insulated cups and containers at one time or another, but do few know where they come from . . .
    PLEASE, PORRIDGE, HOT!

  • How many times have you heard someone say, A Grand Jury will indict a ham sandwich . . .
    A HAM SHAME


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Copyright © 2004 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.