Only In America . . . TMCopyright © 2004 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved. |
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A little ha ha . . . A little hmmm . . . A lot of entertainment . . .
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Sometimes you lose; sometimes you lose . . . What man has decided to join in holy matrimony has become a constant source of wonder . . . Duct tape and Medicare make a powerful combination. Lucrative, too . . . Technology is a wonderful thing, creating new gadgets almost every day . . . Everyone gets a little forgetful once in a while and maybe walks off with something they didn't mean to . . . Fad? Craze? Phenomenon? Whatever you call it, upspeak has swept the nation. Now we must pay the price . . . There are crimes, and there are crimes. But then, there are sentences, and there are sentences . . . There are 8 million ways to get rid of fat in America. Here's one . . . Sometimes we need the Federal Government to protect us. Sometimes we don't . . . "Official" presidential portraits rarely capture the essence of the man. This one does . . . Athletes are constantly being paid exorbitant amounts to play and endorse products. Where does it stop? A lot of people have to travel to Canada or Mexico in order to find affordable prescription drugs. Maybe they shouldn't have to . . . |
THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS PAYS "I'm having a hard time making ends meet. The price of seeds and fertilizer has gone up, but the price of my rutabagas has stayed the same."
"So, raise the price of your rutabagas." "How do I do that without losing customers?"
"Easy! Dont' let them know you're raising prices." "Fat chance of that!"
"Actually, they're easier to fool than you might think. Look at the label on that one pound can of coffee." "Wow! It looks like a pound, but there are only 13 ounces in there!"
"Right. Now, look at that pound of bacon." "Even worse! It's the same size package, but there's only 11 ounces of bacon in here!"
"So, put 13 ounces of rutabagas in a one pound sack for the same money, and nobody will be the "You're a genius, Mr. Folger."
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ONLY IN AMERICA is a collection of tales recounting some of the more preposterous human activities. Sometimes bizarre, often thought provoking, but never quite so improbable as they first appear, these are simply reflections on life in a fractured America.
Only in America . . . do we expect equal rewards for unequal effort.
Only in America . . . is society defined by celebrities and the lunatic fringe.
Only in America . . . are manufactured minorities a majority of the population.
Only in America . . . are you taken seriously whether you are playing with a full deck or not.
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Any relationship between the characters and organizations described on this site and those out tromping around the real world shouldn't surprise anyone . . . | |||
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Hmmm Stuff . . . In today's politically correct America the number of sensitive subjects is almost infinite. Some of them will be addressed here. |
HUMAN NATUREHomo Sapiens are supposedly complex beings, but some times they are sooooo predictable . . .
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GOVERNING BODIESTheir primary job seems to be the protection of the few from the machinations of the many. In doing so, they make the laws that shape our lives from cradle to grave . . .
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THE EMPEROR'S CLOTHESModern America seems awash in two things: Experts who are always smugly certain that their opinions are superior to those of the hoi polloi; and Political Correctness, designed to keep us commoners from questioning or criticizing these opinions. Fortunately, some of the great unwashed still know the difference between bombast and bologna . . .
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THE JUSTICE SYSTEMThis is where decisions are made that we can no longer do the things we used to do – or must now start doing things we consider distasteful. "So long as society is founded on injustice, the function of the laws will be to defend injustice. And the more unjust they are the more respectable they will seem."
" . . . equal harassment under the law."
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THE HUMAN JUNGLEIt takes all kinds of folks to make up a country like ours. With that, we get all kinds of ideas: some well thought out, some not; some intelligent, some not; some left, some right; some wacky, some not. However, freedom of speech is guaranteed to all.
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THE FIX IS INLots of things need fixing in America – and a lot of things don't. What usually happens is that we try to fix those things that aren't even broken, and do our best to break those that are working just fine, thank you. Occasionally, we get it right.
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EXPERTSMovies stars, sports stars, media stars, mega models, instant celebreties of every ilk – we're used to them vying for our dollars in commercials, but that isn't enough for some. Having conquered one field – or at least a tiny piece of it – they are eager to demonstrate their expertise in all others . . .
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SPORTS FEVERSports in 21st century America is a serious business at all levels - from peewees playing for parental approval to professionals playing for personal aggrandizement. These are their stories . . .
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Ha Ha Stuff . . . There are billions of bizarre stories on planet Earth -- a large subset of which seem to occur smack dab between our shining seas. Only a few of those billions are presented here. |
UNIVERSAL TRUTHSWhat we have here is a veritable cornucopia of little known but important knowledge. All those unanswerable questions that have puzzled philosopher's, sages, wise men, and parents through the ages will be explored here in depth. Either that, or I will try to figure out the answer to the one question that children of any age never seem to tire of: "Why?"
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THE HUMAN JUNGLEIt's a big world we live in, and it's full of all kinds of things that we have to deal with -- things animal, things vegetable, and things mineral. Those that are merely vegetable or mineral are usually pretty easy to figure out, but the animal things can drive you down a rubber road -- especially if you're dealing with those human animal things.
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A BETTER LIFE THROUGH TECHNOLOGYSomeone once said that the amount of human knowledge doubles every seven years. These days it seems more like every seven months. New gizmos appear faster than we can use up the old ones, but that doesn't mean that everything new is necessarily better.
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DIFFERENT STROKESIt has been said that any destination can be reached by a thousand different roads -- some more heavily traveled than others. Here are some people who have definitely found the road less traveled.
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THINGS MECHANICALMan is described as a tool-using and machine-building animal. This is usually said with some pride, connoting a certain cleverness, sophistication, and mastery of the natural environment. But, more often than not, the results of this human ingenuity can be more inimical to the orderly life on our native dust ball than anything Ma Nature ever dreamed up.
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YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORKBureaucracies move in mysterious ways -- when they move at all. Sometimes it seems like the main qualification for a life of "government service" is a daily half gainer off a three story building onto a concrete sidewalk. But, not to worry, what they do, they do for you . . .
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ENTREPRENEURSThe possible paths to riches in a capitalist society are many and varied, and it seems like new money making schemes pop up daily -- some more outré than others.
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FAIRY TALESStories that warm the cockles of your heart and showcase the human spirit at its very best. Guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye, a swell of pride to your heart, or just plain rekindle your faith in homo sapiens. The chance of any of these stories being true is nonexistent.
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POLITICSSomeone once said that the only good thing about politicians is that they're not immortal. Obviously, this person hadn't been keeping track of our body politic in the nation's
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THE SPORTING LIFEOnce upon a time in ancient Rome, lions and Christians and gladiators were in vogue. This was to entertain the populace and feed the lions. Today wrestling and races and all kinds of professional sports are in vogue. This is to entertain the glitterati and corporate bigwigs and feed the public coffers. The Romans probably had the better idea.
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SUNDRY STUFFThis is a very special category -- it contains all the stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else.
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