Only In America . . . TM

Copyright © 2004 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.

Tales of the bizarre and humorous side by side with tales of the bizarre and thought-provoking.
A little ha ha . . .      A little hmmm . . .     A lot of entertainment . . .
 List of ha ha . . . stories List of hmmm . . . stories

RECENT TALES

Sometimes you lose; sometimes you lose . . .

FLIP-FLOP WARNINGS


What man has decided to join in holy matrimony has become a constant source of wonder . . .

WEDLOCK POPPYCOCK


Duct tape and Medicare make a powerful combination. Lucrative, too . . .

STICKING TO YOUR DIET


Technology is a wonderful thing, creating new gadgets almost every day . . .

WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS?


Everyone gets a little forgetful once in a while and maybe walks off with something they didn't mean to . . .

SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE


Fad? Craze? Phenomenon? Whatever you call it, upspeak has swept the nation. Now we must pay the price . . .

BULL? MARKET?


There are crimes, and there are crimes. But then, there are sentences, and there are sentences . . .

DOMESTIC DIVA GOES DENIM


There are 8 million ways to get rid of fat in America. Here's one . . .

BEAM ME THIN, SCOTTY!


Sometimes we need the Federal Government to protect us. Sometimes we don't . . .

MAD ABOUT COWS


"Official" presidential portraits rarely capture the essence of the man. This one does . . .

REMEMBER MY MEMBER


Athletes are constantly being paid exorbitant amounts to play and endorse products. Where does it stop?

IF THE SHOE FITS . . .


A lot of people have to travel to Canada or Mexico in order to find affordable prescription drugs. Maybe they shouldn't have to . . .

CHEAPER PURPLE PILLS



THE LATEST . . .


THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS PAYS

"I'm having a hard time making ends meet. The price of seeds and fertilizer has gone up, but the price of my rutabagas has stayed the same."

"So, raise the price of your rutabagas."

"How do I do that without losing customers?"

"Easy! Dont' let them know you're raising prices."

"Fat chance of that!"

"Actually, they're easier to fool than you might think. Look at the label on that one pound can of coffee."

"Wow! It looks like a pound, but there are only 13 ounces in there!"

"Right. Now, look at that pound of bacon."

"Even worse! It's the same size package, but there's only 11 ounces of bacon in here!"

"So, put 13 ounces of rutabagas in a one pound sack for the same money, and nobody will be the
wiser."

"You're a genius, Mr. Folger."

ONLY IN AMERICA is a collection of tales recounting some of the more preposterous human activities. Sometimes bizarre, often thought provoking, but never quite so improbable as they first appear, these are simply reflections on life in a fractured America.

Only in America . . . do we expect equal rewards for unequal effort.

Only in America . . . is society defined by celebrities and the lunatic fringe.

Only in America . . . are manufactured minorities a majority of the population.

Only in America . . . are you taken seriously whether you are playing with a full deck or not.

. . . only in America.



Any relationship between the characters and organizations described on this site and those out tromping around the real world shouldn't surprise anyone . . .




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Hmmm Stuff . . .

In today's politically correct America the number of sensitive subjects is almost infinite.

Some of them will be addressed here.

HUMAN NATURE

Homo Sapiens are supposedly complex beings, but some times they are sooooo predictable . . .

  • "Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose." Sure! Unless you're dealing with a politician or a boss or a spouse or - well, you get the idea . . .
    FLIP-FLOP WARNINGS


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GOVERNING BODIES

Their primary job seems to be the protection of the few from the machinations of the many. In doing so, they make the laws that shape our lives from cradle to grave . . .

  • Our elected representatives would never let extended unemployment benefits run out during the holidays . . .
    FAITH (and BENEFITS) RESTORED

  • It sometimes seems like there are more Handicapped Only parking spaces in America than there are handicapped people . . .
    PARK NOT


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THE EMPEROR'S CLOTHES

Modern America seems awash in two things: Experts who are always smugly certain that their opinions are superior to those of the hoi polloi; and Political Correctness, designed to keep us commoners from questioning or criticizing these opinions.

Fortunately, some of the great unwashed still know the difference between bombast and bologna . . .

  • Have you looked at all the published pictures of the proposed replacements for the World Trade Center Towers and wondered, "What planet did these come from?"
    THE WTC PHOENIX


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THE JUSTICE SYSTEM

This is where decisions are made that we can no longer do the things we used to do – or must now start doing things we consider distasteful.

"So long as society is founded on injustice, the function of the laws will be to defend injustice. And the more unjust they are the more respectable they will seem."

—Anatole France

" . . . equal harassment under the law."

—Paul Krassner

  • Pornography – unlike beauty – is not in the mind of the beholder. Unless, of course, the beholder happens to be a judge . . .
    NUDITY CONFRONTED


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THE HUMAN JUNGLE

It takes all kinds of folks to make up a country like ours. With that, we get all kinds of ideas: some well thought out, some not; some intelligent, some not; some left, some right; some wacky, some not. However, freedom of speech is guaranteed to all.

  • Peace protestors have been around since the Dark Ages. Some of them still seem to live there . . .
    WAR GAMES


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THE FIX IS IN

Lots of things need fixing in America – and a lot of things don't. What usually happens is that we try to fix those things that aren't even broken, and do our best to break those that are working just fine, thank you. Occasionally, we get it right.

  • A lot of people have to travel to Canada or Mexico in order to find affordable prescription drugs. Maybe they shouldn't have to . . .
    CHEAPER PURPLE PILLS


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EXPERTS

Movies stars, sports stars, media stars, mega models, instant celebreties of every ilk – we're used to them vying for our dollars in commercials, but that isn't enough for some. Having conquered one field – or at least a tiny piece of it – they are eager to demonstrate their expertise in all others . . .

"Fame does not make you smarter." —Leonard Pitts, Jr.
  • Hollywood has been spawning Peace Protestors for decades, but they have never received their just due. Maybe it's time . . .
    THE IRAQI OSCARS


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SPORTS FEVER

Sports in 21st century America is a serious business at all levels - from peewees playing for parental approval to professionals playing for personal aggrandizement.

These are their stories . . .

  • Sports are supposed to be all about fair play - especially at the amateur level. If that were true, think how the Olympic skating controversy could have played out . . .
    THE SPIRIT OF COMPETITION

  • It's not bad enough that athletes are paid outrageous sums to play the game they "love" so, but the endorsement deals they get are enough to gag a maggot . . .
    IF THE SHOE FITS . . .


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Ha Ha Stuff . . .

There are billions of bizarre stories on planet Earth -- a large subset of which seem to occur smack dab between our shining seas.

Only a few of those billions are presented here.

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

What we have here is a veritable cornucopia of little known but important knowledge. All those unanswerable questions that have puzzled philosopher's, sages, wise men, and parents through the ages will be explored here in depth. Either that, or I will try to figure out the answer to the one question that children of any age never seem to tire of: "Why?"

  • The common perception that coat hangers proliferate faster than we can get rid of them has given rise to the popular myth that they actually breed. We would be sadly remiss if we didn't put this old saw to rest . . .
    HANGERS, HANGERS EVERYWHERE


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THE HUMAN JUNGLE

It's a big world we live in, and it's full of all kinds of things that we have to deal with -- things animal, things vegetable, and things mineral. Those that are merely vegetable or mineral are usually pretty easy to figure out, but the animal things can drive you down a rubber road -- especially if you're dealing with those human animal things.

  • What man has decided to join in holy matrimony has become a constant source of wonder . . .
    WEDLOCK POPPYCOCK

  • There's always one smart alec in every checkout line . . .
    KEEP THE CHANGE

  • Corporate dress codes have been in a state of flux for years. Contrary to popular belief, there is a solution to the problem . . .
    DRESS MAKES A MESS

  • Every once in a while somebody comes up with a really good idea on how to beat the odds. This isn't one of them . . .
    LIGHTING UP THE LOTTERY

  • Hyphenated names may become the poster children for the Law Of Unintended Consequences . . .
    WHAT'S IN A NAME?

  • Fad diets come and fad diets go, but every once in a while a diet comes along that is really . . .
    THE NUMBERS DIET


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A BETTER LIFE THROUGH TECHNOLOGY

Someone once said that the amount of human knowledge doubles every seven years. These days it seems more like every seven months. New gizmos appear faster than we can use up the old ones, but that doesn't mean that everything new is necessarily better.

  • The kid over 5 that doesn't have a cell phone today feels left out. Well, this little gadget will keep both the kids and their parents happy . . .
    WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS?

  • While fast food entrepeneurs are busy finding faster and better ways for America to get fat, scientists are working feverishly in laboratories all over the nation to take it back off . . .
    BEAM ME THIN, SCOTTY!

  • Management 'systems' come and go so fast it's hard to keep up with the 'latest and greatest' fad. But, never fear; here's a system to keep track of all those systems . . .
    MANAGEMENT SYSTEM DU JOUR

  • If we can clone bacteria and chickens and sheep, inanimate objects can't be far behind . . .
    COPY THAT CAR

  • There always seems to be a disconnect between your brain and your fingers when dealing with a computer. It would be nice if one of the things could understand what you meant to type . . .
    A MIND OF ITS OWN

  • Predicting the weather can be done by any bozo with a clown suit and a TV station; controlling the weather isn't quite so easy . . .
    RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY!

  • SPAM® may be a big problem on the internet, but it offers possibilities for ending world hunger . . .
    YOU'VE GOT SPAM®!


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DIFFERENT STROKES

It has been said that any destination can be reached by a thousand different roads -- some more heavily traveled than others. Here are some people who have definitely found the road less traveled.

  • Election polls come and election polls go, and their accuracy is generally right up there with palm reading, phrenology, and the physic sciences. Of course, you not only have to ask the right questions, you have to ask the right source. . .
    THE MILK AND EGGS VOTE

  • Prognosticators can be personal as well as political, but the results are seldom any better. Nonetheless, there are always those looking for ways to bring fortune telling into the modern age . . .
    SHE READS STARS, HE READS CARS

  • There's always a better way to do almost anything -- if you can just think of it . . .
    SEE THE SEA ORANGES


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THINGS MECHANICAL

Man is described as a tool-using and machine-building animal. This is usually said with some pride, connoting a certain cleverness, sophistication, and mastery of the natural environment. But, more often than not, the results of this human ingenuity can be more inimical to the orderly life on our native dust ball than anything Ma Nature ever dreamed up.


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YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK

Bureaucracies move in mysterious ways -- when they move at all. Sometimes it seems like the main qualification for a life of "government service" is a daily half gainer off a three story building onto a concrete sidewalk. But, not to worry, what they do, they do for you . . .

  • In their ongoing efforts to protect us from every danger, someone, somewhere, is always legislating against some inanimate object they feel the hoi polloi are too stupid to safely possess . . .
    TAKING A BAT OUT OF CRIME
    NO MORE PANTYHOSE

  • As everyone knows, the greatest danger homo sapiens face is: themselves . . .
    THE LAST LAUGH

  • Our fearless leaders are seldom more zealous than when they try to protect the flora and fauna from our foibles and foolishness . . .
    SAVE THE BIRDS
    THE BUG BILL

  • The government excels at producing both absurdities and statistics. They are also ever vigilant for ways of keeping the public safe from something. . .
    MAD ABOUT COWS
    BOMBS AWAY!
    SOMETHING'S FISHY
    SIGNS OF THE TIMES

  • It goes without saying that there is goodness in everything the government does. Often times there is a lot more goodness than we think -- someone just has to point it out to us . . .
    LOVE THOSE SILLY MILLIMETERS

  • Airport safety is uppermost in some government minds. Which just proves what an oxymoron really is . . .
    STRIPPED FOR SEARCHING

  • The FBI isn't the only government entity that knows how to stop crime; even the legislature can do it . . .
    ROBBERS BEWARE!

  • Even seemingly insoluble problems like traffic gridlock can usually be solved by the judicious application of a simple law . . .
    TRAFFIC UNSNARLED


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ENTREPRENEURS

The possible paths to riches in a capitalist society are many and varied, and it seems like new money making schemes pop up daily -- some more outré than others.

  • A roll of duct tape and a medical degree will make you rich - if you can charge it to Medicare . . .
    STICKING TO YOUR DIET

  • America's love affair with cars is well known. America's love affair with useless things to stick on those cars is also well known -- at least to those who sell such things . . .
    WINGS CAUSE BIG FLAP

  • Fashion trends are always changing, seemingly mysterious, and usually goofy. A recipe for entrepreneurial success if there ever was one . . .
    CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN WOMAN

  • The only thing that changes faster than fashion is hair styles. What puts the icing on the cake is that the customer supplies the raw material -- a free and (usually) renewable resource . . .
    POTAGE AU CHEVEUX

  • Gnats and mosquitoes and other flying and stinging insects can ruin a backyard barbecue if you don't take positive action . . .
    THIS BAT'S FOR YOU

  • Find a way to ease the great workday commute and the world will beat a path to your door . . .
    ONE, TWO, RIDE THE CANOE

  • Everyone's always on the lookout for a way to bamboozle Uncle Sam . . .
    THERE'S AIR IN THEM THAR COWS

  • Kids started refusing to wear hand-me-down shoes about the same time that sneakers started costing more than a new car. . . . .
    FAUX SHOES

  • According to Giuseppe Mazzini, Music is the harmonious voice of creation. According to Dilbert Weems, One person's harmony is often another's cacophony. Giuseppe didn't do much more than talk about it, but Dilbert has come up with a way that we can all live in harmony . . . .
    NO NOTES IS GOOD NOTES

  • Restaurants are another entrepeneurial gold mine. If you can combine fast food with cutesy you will have a sure hit . . .
    RANCHING IN MANHATTAN


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FAIRY TALES

Stories that warm the cockles of your heart and showcase the human spirit at its very best. Guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye, a swell of pride to your heart, or just plain rekindle your faith in homo sapiens. The chance of any of these stories being true is nonexistent.


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POLITICS

Someone once said that the only good thing about politicians is that they're not immortal. Obviously, this person hadn't been keeping track of our body politic in the nation's swamp capital.

  • Rarely do presidential portraits capture the essence of the man. This one seems to have done it . . .
    REMEMBER MY MEMBER

  • When something goes wrong, politicians will immediately launch an investigation, designate scapegoat(s), get as much TV mug time as possible, and provide plausible reasons why everyone else in the universe except them was responsible for the original problem . . .
    THE SKY IS FALLING

  • If you ever do find a way to actually blame politicians for something, they'll simply stack the deck so they can have hindsight before the event . . .
    TGI MONDAY

  • Once upon a time you either had to elect one of these or one of those; now some of you will be able to elect one of each . . .
    A REAL TWO PARTY SYSTEM


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THE SPORTING LIFE

Once upon a time in ancient Rome, lions and Christians and gladiators were in vogue. This was to entertain the populace and feed the lions. Today wrestling and races and all kinds of professional sports are in vogue. This is to entertain the glitterati and corporate bigwigs and feed the public coffers. The Romans probably had the better idea.

  • It's common knowledge that college athletes would rather party than study. (Actually, it's common knowledge that all college students would rather mambo than matriculate, but that's another story.) In any case, our intrepid academicians are ever alert for solutions to the brains/brawn conundrum . . .
    ANIMAL FARM, 2002

  • Myths abound concerning the origins of football. Here's the real truth . . .
    THE WAY THE BALL BOUNCES

  • Professional wrestling has come a long way. Now they are going back to the ways of the lions alligators and gladiators . . .
    GATORS CLEAN UP WRESTLING


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SUNDRY STUFF

This is a very special category -- it contains all the stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else.

  • There is supposedly a certain road paved with good intentions. Perhaps it should be called The Road Of Unintended Consequences . . .
    BULL? MARKET?

  • Celebrities of all kinds are constantly patting themselves on the back with awards of one kind or another. But, for every celebrity there are thousands of people toiling away unseen and unappreciated at humdrum jobs . . .
    AWARDS FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE

  • Some stories seem torn right out of today's headlines . . .
    SOMETHING'S FISHY HERE
    DOMESTIC DIVA GOES DENIM
    CHOCOHOLICS SYNONYMOUS
    EGGS GOING TO WAIST

  • A "green thumb" is the most often asked for item on the domestic gardener's Christmas list. It's also the most elusive skill any of us every try to develop. So, for the first time in print, here is the secret of successful agriculture hitherto known only to ancient mystics, graduates of FFA, and kindergarten teachers . . .
    HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?

  • Boycotts and protests may have started with humans, but now everyone wants to get in on the act . . .
    FISH, NO SHIPS

  • Many events attract more newscasters than participants; some just attract newscasters. It's probably high time that we got rid of the distractions and just concentrated on what's important . . .
    THE NEWS OLYMPICS

  • Everybody uses insulated cups and containers at one time or another, but do few know where they come from . . .
    PLEASE, PORRIDGE, HOT!

  • How many times have you heard someone say, A Grand Jury will indict a ham sandwich . . .
    A HAM SHAME


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Copyright © 2004 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.