Only In America . . . TMCopyright © 2004 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved. |
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ONLY IN AMERICA is a collection of short, entertaining stories - sometimes bizarre, often thought provoking - but never quite so improbable as they first appear. These little stories are simply reflections on life in a fractured America. Enjoy!
Only in America . . . do we expect equal rewards for unequal effort.
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THE LATEST OFFERING . . . |
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Fact or Fancy TMTALK SHOW FLIM-FLAM |
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Charity Begins With Someone Else's Money Pretty magnanimous. Find a bunch of struggling people that really need a car, and give them a new one. Oprah Winfrey did that. In a blare of publicity and hoopla. So, Oprah has received a ton of favorable publicity for helping these folks out. We hope that Pontiac has also received some favorable publicity, because they are the ones who actually gave the cars away - didn't cost our trusty host a nickel. Great idea. Great publicity. Everyone is ecstatic. Till the other shoe drops. There are still costs to consider: state and local tax; licensing fees; federal tax. The cars are considered regular income by the IRS, so the recipients will have to pay tax on the MSRP of the vehicle. Could be as much as $7K. Which none of these folks have, or they wouldn't have been selected to receive the cars in the first place, right? So, what are these poor folks to do? Well, the total tax bill for the 276 cars will be less than $200,000 - chump change for a billionaire like Oprah - so, she'll probably pay the tax for these folks out of her own pocket so they can keep the cars Pontiac gave them, right? Probably. My wife thinks so. And Oprah could garner another gazillion dollars worth of publicity for less than the price of a sandwich shop. Pontiac agreed to pay for most local charges - state sales tax and licensing fees. Harpo productions (that's Oprah spelled backwards) agreed to pay squat. When presented with the dilemma, a Harpo spokesperson said that the lucky recipients have three choices: keep the car and pay the tax; sell the car and pay the tax with the profit; or forfeit the car. Celebrity largesse only goes so far. Score: Oprah - a gazillion publicity points and counting; |
Singing For Someone's Supper The Coalation of Northwest Endangered Songbirds(CONES) has filed a class-action lawsuit against the TV station REKS, Channel 1 in Seattle, Washington. Miyagami Cabeza de Verduna-Jones, host of the afternoon TV show, "Music of the Electric Cat", invited a thousand northwest songbirds to a "singing flyover", and promised each bird a year's supply of birdseed for participating. "We came in good faith, some of us flying in from as far away as Alaska, and sang our hearts out while we flew over the REKS soundstage," according to Ima Warbler, spokesperson for CONES, "and then Cabeza-Jones and REKS went back on their word." "We didn't go back on our word," Vera Ramblin, spokesperson for REKS countered. "There were more than six tons of birdseed piled in the middle of our soundstage. More than enough to feed all of those birds and their families for a year." "Yeah, right!" Ms. Warbler replied. "Six tons in a great big pile, and no bags anywhere! How were we suposed to carry it back to our nests?" "I can't help it if they didn't come prepared," Ramblin said. "We did our part by donating the bird feed, as promised. The rest was up to them." "What about the 500 electric cats you had sitting all around the pile," Ms. Warbler asked, "how were we supposed to get past them without getting eaten ourselves?" "You knew the Electric Cats were the stars of our show when you were invited! You didn't have to come, you know!" And on and on. The Washington Supreme Court will eventually have to decide who is right and who is wrong. Meanwhile, malnourished birds are raining from the skies all over the Northwest. |
Links to the story collection: | ||
Humorous and bizarre accounts of everyday life in America. Ha Ha . . . stories |
Serious and humorous treatments of the same subject presented side by side. Fact or Fancy stories | A serious look at some of today's issues. Hmmmm . . . stories |
EMAIL me with your comments . . . |
Fact or Fancy TM. . . because there are two sides to every story; one serious,
Absurdities abound in modern America.
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Hmmm Stuff . . . In today's politically correct America the number of sensitive subjects is almost infinite. Some of them are addressed here.
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HUMAN NATUREHomo Sapiens are supposedly complex beings, but some times they are sooooo predictable . . .
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GOVERNING BODIESTheir primary job seems to be the protection of the few from the machinations of the many. In doing so, they make the laws that shape our lives from cradle to grave . . .
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THE EMPEROR'S CLOTHESModern America seems awash in two things: Experts who are always smugly certain that their opinions are superior to those of the hoi polloi; and Political Correctness, designed to keep us commoners from questioning or criticizing these opinions. Fortunately, some of the great unwashed still know the difference between bombast and bologna . . .
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THE JUSTICE SYSTEMThis is where decisions are made that we can no longer do the things we used to do – or must now start doing things we consider distasteful. "So long as society is founded on injustice, the function of the laws will be to defend injustice. And the more unjust they are the more respectable they will seem."
" . . . equal harassment under the law."
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THE HUMAN JUNGLEIt takes all kinds of folks to make up a country like ours. With that, we get all kinds of ideas: some well thought out, some not; some intelligent, some not; some left, some right; some wacky, some not. However, freedom of speech is guaranteed to all.
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THE FIX IS INLots of things need fixing in America – and a lot of things don't. What usually happens is that we try to fix those things that aren't even broken, and do our best to break those that are working just fine, thank you. Occasionally, we get it right.
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EXPERTSMovies stars, sports stars, media stars, mega models, instant celebreties of every ilk – we're used to them vying for our dollars in commercials, but that isn't enough for some. Having conquered one field – or at least a tiny piece of it – they are eager to demonstrate their expertise in all others . . .
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SPORTS FEVERSports in 21st century America is a serious business at all levels - from peewees playing for parental approval to professionals playing for personal aggrandizement. These are their stories . . .
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Ha Ha Stuff . . . There are billions of bizarre stories on planet Earth -- a large subset of which seem to occur smack dab between our shining seas. Only a few of those billions are presented here.
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UNIVERSAL TRUTHSWhat we have here is a veritable cornucopia of little known but important knowledge. All those unanswerable questions that have puzzled philosopher's, sages, wise men, and parents through the ages will be explored here in depth. Either that, or I will try to figure out the answer to the one question that children of any age never seem to tire of: "Why?"
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THE HUMAN JUNGLEIt's a big world we live in, and it's full of all kinds of things that we have to deal with -- things animal, things vegetable, and things mineral. Those that are merely vegetable or mineral are usually pretty easy to figure out, but the animal things can drive you down a rubber road -- especially if you're dealing with those human animal things.
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A BETTER LIFE THROUGH TECHNOLOGYSomeone once said that the amount of human knowledge doubles every seven years. These days it seems more like every seven months. New gizmos appear faster than we can use up the old ones, but that doesn't mean that everything new is necessarily better.
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DIFFERENT STROKESIt has been said that any destination can be reached by a thousand different roads -- some more heavily traveled than others. Here are some people who have definitely found the road less traveled.
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THINGS MECHANICALMan is described as a tool-using and machine-building animal. This is usually said with some pride, connoting a certain cleverness, sophistication, and mastery of the natural environment. But, more often than not, the results of this human ingenuity can be more inimical to the orderly life on our native dust ball than anything Ma Nature ever dreamed up.
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YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORKBureaucracies move in mysterious ways -- when they move at all. Sometimes it seems like the main qualification for a life of "government service" is a daily half gainer off a three story building onto a concrete sidewalk. But, not to worry, what they do, they do for you . . .
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ENTREPRENEURSThe possible paths to riches in a capitalist society are many and varied, and it seems like new money making schemes pop up daily -- some more outré than others.
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FAIRY TALESStories that warm the cockles of your heart and showcase the human spirit at its very best. Guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye, a swell of pride to your heart, or just plain rekindle your faith in homo sapiens. The chance of any of these stories being true is nonexistent.
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POLITICSSomeone once said that the only good thing about politicians is that they're not immortal. Obviously, this person hadn't been keeping track of our body politic in the nation's
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THE SPORTING LIFEOnce upon a time in ancient Rome, lions and Christians and gladiators were in vogue. This was to entertain the populace and feed the lions. Today wrestling and races and all kinds of professional sports are in vogue. This is to entertain the glitterati and corporate bigwigs and feed the public coffers. The Romans probably had the better idea.
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SUNDRY STUFFThis is a very special category -- it contains all the stuff I couldn't fit in anywhere else.
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