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Copyright © 2002 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.

Fish, No Ships

Salmon from the Chinook, Chum, Sockeye, King, and Coho clans announced today that they are going on strike to protest inhumane treatment, blatant disregard for piscatorial society and traditions, and destruction of the marine lifestyle by boaters, fishermen, and swimmers in the Seattle, Washington, area.

Eldred Croaker, First Fish of the Combined Clans, said that, "effective immediately, schools of salmon will block all entrances to Puget Sound. No ships, boats, or watercraft of any kind will be allowed to enter or leave the Sound," Croaker said, "until everyone agrees to respect the lifestyle and habitat of the salmon, whales, and other marine creatures living here."

"We're tired of boats running up and down the Sound at all hours of the day and night and keeping our children awake," the First Fish explained. "Not to mention the damage done by the oil, gas, and other garbage they dump in the water. This is our home, it has been our home for millions of years, and we don't appreciate people trashing it."

"Even this we might have been able to live with -- until people began dumping millions of hatchery salmon into the Sound every year. These immigrants have no respect at all for the real salmon: they take over all of the available housing, they eat everything in sight, and they have the manners of catfish," Croaker said. "No more of these alien interlopers will be allowed in our waters until a reasonable plan for their assimilation has been developed and agreed to by all members of the Combined Clan."

"We contribute more to the economy of this state than any other group living here, but nobody appreciates it or gives us the respect we deserve. They just keep taking salmon like there was an inexhaustible supply," Croaker told reporters. "Well, we're not going to allow it any more. As of today, no more salmon will be taken from these waters until we say so."

The whales of Puget Sound have expressed sympathy with the salmon, and will support them in the shipping blockade. Many of the Killer Whales were upset over the capture and exploitation of Free Willy, but that has turned to outrage with the recent kidnapping of the baby Orca, Springer. Now they have joined forces with the Humpbacks and Grey Whales to block all ocean traffic in and out of the Sound. The larger whales are also upset about the resumption of whaling by the Makah Indians, and have vowed that "any of those little runts that try to come after us with iron spears and wooden boats will get a chance to meet their ancestors up close and personal."

In addition to the salmon strike and whale blockade, the piscatorial protest has expanded to include crabs, catfish, cuttlefish, and geoducks. They're all staying hidden -- avoiding crab pots, trawlers, and sports fishermen -- and seafood of any type is becoming a rarity. If the controversy isn't settled soon, prices may go so high that even Bill Gates won't be able to afford a fish dinner.

But, all is not sweetness and light in the marine community; there are some dissenters. Minnie Suckers, spokesfish for the United Cephalopod Society says that the Giant Squid living in the Sound will not cooperate because "this is just a ploy by the whales to get us to come up where they can get to us. We don't intend to be a meal for anybody just so a bunch of fish can make a point."

Copyright © 2002 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.