DOMESTIC DIVA GOES DENIM
Martha Stewart may be headed for the hoosegow, but she has no intention of living the prison lifestyle. "I'll teach the inmates to grow bamboo and dieffenbachia to screen us from the guards," she told reporters, "and we'll have a party complete with soda cracker and catfish roe hors d'oeuvres, fricasseed spam chowder, and sun tea made from crab grass. We'll live well."
However, according to federal prison officials, Martha will have to make a few changes for her short five month stay. "She'll have to wear prison overalls," according to Willie Warden, who spoke on conditions of publicity, "and we'll have to do something about her hair. Prisons do have appearance standards to maintain."
Asked about the loss of her voting rights now that she is a convicted felon, Martha replied, "I was planning to vote for Al Sharpton anyway, so not voting at all won't make much of a difference. Besides, give me a few chads and an email address and I can get whoever I want elected."
What about the five month home-confinement sentence she faces when she gets out of prison? "Not a problem," Martha said, "give me three toothpicks, any old lamp in working condition, and a cantaloupe and I'll soon be free as a bird."
Stay tuned . . .