Only In America . . . TM

Copyright © 2002 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.


The Minnesota State Legislature voted today to rearrange the days of the week so that Monday comes before the weekend instead of after.

The calendar change legislation came about as a result of lobbying by Governer Karl Norska, who is best known for making bets with the governors of other states about the outcome of professional football games. It seems that Governor Norska had a string of bad luck and lost twenty seven bets in a row. His last action was with the governor of Florida, when Norska bet 100 lbs. of lutefisk against a bucket of shark livers on the Minnesota Viking, Miami Dolphin game. The Dolphins won by a large margin, and the governor was raked over the coals in the local newspapers on Monday.

"I've got a pretty thick skin," Governor Norska said, "but the constant Monday morning quarterbacking by the news media finally got to me and I decided to do something about it." What he did was convince the Minnesota Legislature to change the official state calendar so that Monday and Friday were transposed.

"Putting Monday at the end of the week would force all the Monday morning quarterbacks to commit themselves before the Sunday games. And, since Monday morning quarterbacking always has 20-20 vision, it would tell me the winners of the football games in advance and I could start winning all my bets with the other governors", Norska said. "And, it will eliminate the media criticism that I have had to endure at the beginning of each week."

Of course, when the idea was first proposed everybody thought the Governor had lost his mind and public sentiment was over 90% against him. But, over time, he slowly won influential groups over to his side.

The first group to endorse the Governor's idea was the United LuteFisk and Dairymen's Association, known locally as Ulf Da. "As long as the Governor was losing bets and buying 100 lbs. of lutefisk a week at wholesale prices our members were losing money," Arne Bjornson, president of Ulf Da was quoted as saying. "If this legislation will return sanity to the lutefisk market, then we support it one hundred percent."

Initially this support was neutralized by the opposition of the Gamblers Alliance Group (GAG), who were in favor of the concept of knowing the outcomes of ball games in advance but wanted the calendar changes restricted to Las Vegas, Nevada. Fortunately for the governor, a coalition of Weather Forcasters, Fortune Tellers, and the TV Networks joined forces and lobbied for passage of the bill. Their support made the difference.

"This bill marks the beginning of a new day in weather forecasting," according to the United Weather Persons and Talking Heads of America (Uwp Tha) spokesperson Naoimi Virga. "It means that we can make travel plans and schedule weekend events with total confidence."

These sentiments were echoed by the United Fortune Tellers and Daydreamers Association (Uft Da) who will now only work one day a week (Monday) and offer 100% accuracy guarantees, and all of the major TV Networks who will save billions by reporting the weekend news ahead of time and eliminating their weekend news teams.

The only losers in this scenario seem to be the self-important critics once so ubiquitous on Monday morning television. Most of them are looking for real work for the first time in thier lives.

Copyright © 2002 Frank G. Van Atta. All rights reserved.