| SHE
READS STARS, HE READS CARS
Carla Rossman is a well-known astrologer living in southern California whose husband Ralph makes his living as an "Autologer"; while she predicts the future by reading the stars, he does it by watching the cars on the L.A. freeways. "The alignment of the cars is much closer to the heartbeat of human affairs than the alignment of the stars," Ralph says. "And this can be used to predict the weather, the economy, the outcomes of elections: almost anything having to do with human affairs--if you know how to read the signs." For example, Ralph says that "thirteen Toyotas in a row means an upturn in the economy, but if you see more than a dozen Hyundais traveling in the same lane with no cars between them, then the economic outlook is uncertain." Very accurate weather prediction is possible by observing the color of the cars according to Ralph. "When I see four red cars traveling abreast I know it means smog, and any time that more than seven yellow cars line up in the same lane you can be sure that it is going to rain." Trucks are indicators of impending labor conditions: five semis traveling side by side mean a strike is on the horizon, while more than three in a row--in a left lane--means that unemployment is going down. However, four or more in a row in the right lane means jobs will be harder to get. "If you see seven or more luxury cars in a row in the middle lanes during the afternoon, it means that prosperity is just around the corner. If all of the luxury cars are american made, it means the stock market will go up and, if they're all the same color, it means a new record." "If that was all there was to it, anybody could be an Autologer," Ralph explained, "but any particular alignment takes on the opposite meaning when it is traveling south instead of north, and the cars moving in an east-west direction have an altogether different interpretation." "For example, if three female drivers in dirty cars more than one year old are traveling abreast--and they're all listening to the radio--it means that teacher's salaries are going up if the group is heading north. If they're going south it means just the opposite. If they're going east or west it is an indication of which horses will be winners in the afternoon races--favorites if the women are all going west; long shots otherwise." At first glance this all seems a little silly, but Ralph knows what he is talking about--he accurately predicted the outcome of the last mayoral election, the latest stock market crash, the winners of this year's Oscars, 19 consecutive throws of the dice at a Las Vegas casino, and the sex of all seven of his children--a record unsurpassed by any other seer in modern times. How does he do it? "I used to be a toll both operator on the Ohio Turnpike, which gave me a lot of time to watch cars and read newspapers. After a while I just started making the connection between the two," Ralph said. The rest, as they say, is history. |